Recently I have been thinking more about my future and what I would like to do with my life. At the age of 20 I had never really taken time to explore myself enough to identify what my passions were and what I really wanted to become. So to get to this stage of actually identifying what I want, took a lot of hard work. A lot of honest conversations with myself and for myself. Not to reach anyone’s standards of a ‘successful’ life or a ‘good’ career. To honestly ask myself what I want.
In the past, I have always wanted my life to be somewhat a mystery to myself. No spoilers. I did not want to know what I end up doing. Honestly. When I think of how anti-spoilers I was, it makes me laugh. To other people, I would portray myself as somewhat ambiguous (if that makes sense). By not having any strong opinions and never imposing. This never had any positive effects, I did not get any benefits and I would not recommend that lifestyle. By not wanting to tie myself down to something I believe this made me come across as weak and malleable to someone else’s agenda. In relation to more than my future career but also my friendships. ‘I don’t mind / I’m not fussed / You decide’ gave others the right away to make only their visions real. Life would play out as if I were not there or had any say. I would often fade into the back of places where I now realised that my presence mattered. Places that, looking back, I could have made an impact. Not to take away the power of my attendance to some spaces, as being the only black female present in some arenas is already a form of activism, but also acknowledging that I could have had a platform for change but gave it up as I wanted to be mysterious.
In some ways I feel as though the word mysterious does not exactly explain what I was. It comes close, but not quite. In a way I feel like it was a product of being dissatisfied with the options I had in my life. Who I was friends with, the careers I wanted, where I wanted to live, etc. I never got to find the vision I had for my life in reality. All careers I researched seemed limited and dull, places I wanted to live were not exactly how I imagined and the friends I had did not love me as I hoped they would. Dissatisfied.
From an early age I wanted to change the world somehow. I had hoped that I would single-handedly be able to break down ancient laws that run the earth and make everything great. It is as though this dream had trickled down into every aspect of my life and left me just waiting for my big break, leotard and cape to arrive in the post. I was always waiting.
There was also an element of fear in the mix also; what if I didn’t choose the best career? What if I hate my job? What if there is something so much better out there that I don’t know about? What if.
I am officially putting myself at risk now. It is not the time to play it safe by not giving an answer or agreeing with the person before you. I am asking myself what I genuinely want and acknowledging that there is no limit to change, where I decide to steer my life right now could change many years later. Change is fine and change is good. Do not be afraid to take a sharp left, U-turn or run a red light (I obviously don’t know how to drive). I am almost sure now on what career I would like to pursue but getting to know myself in the process is all the more enlightening. Who knows, maybe my leotard and cape is being delivered by pigeon.